For as long as I can remember, horses have been my entire world.

They’ve shaped my friendships, my weekends, my summers, and honestly, a pretty significant part of who I am. For years, everything in my life seemed to revolve around the barn. School, work, vacations, and just about everything else were planned around riding and horse shows. And for a long time, I couldn’t imagine my life looking any different. But lately, things have started to change.

I recently started a new job as a Child Life Assistant at a children’s hospital, and I’m back in school taking classes to pursue my goal of becoming a Certified Child Life Specialist. It’s something I’m incredibly excited about, and for the first time in my life, I’ve found something outside of horses that I’m genuinely passionate about.

And as wonderful as that is, it’s also been incredibly bittersweet. I think when you grow up in the horse world, especially when you’ve spent so much of your life competing, you get used to having one very clear priority. The barn is where you want to be. Horse shows are what you look forward to. Your goals revolve around the next division, the next show, and the next opportunity to get better. And its crazy to say, but this is something that was my priority above school, friendships outside riding, and other very important things- whether I said it out loud or not.

And suddenly, I’m finding myself looking forward to things that have absolutely nothing to do with horses. I love my job. I love getting to work with children and their families, finding little ways to make a difficult day better, and learning from the Child Life Specialists around me. There’s something incredibly rewarding about being part of a child’s hospital experience and knowing that even the smallest interaction can make a difference. It’s a completely different kind of fulfillment than I’ve ever experienced before, and I feel so lucky to have found something I care about this much.

But I’d be lying if I said the FOMO wasn’t insane.

Seeing everyone at horse shows while I’m working or doing homework is HARD. Seeing pictures from the showgrounds, watching rounds on livestream, and knowing that everyone is doing something that used to consume almost every weekend of my life makes me feel like I’m missing out on a little piece of myself. I missed one of my barn ‘little sisters’ first show with her new horse, and first show doing the jumpers. It ate me alive. I have a strange sense of guilt that by pursuing anything else in my life, i’m letting down my horse people.

And the strangest part is that despite the fomo, I wouldn’t necessarily change anything.

I’m happy. I’m excited about where my life is going. I love what I’m learning, and I know that the time and effort I’m putting into school and work are bringing me closer to a career I genuinely want.

But I also miss the version of my life where my biggest concern was what time my division started on Saturday. I miss spending entire weekends at horse shows without worrying. I miss having the freedom to spend hours at the barn without thinking about everything else. And even though I’m still riding and still spending time with my horses, it feels different when those things have to fit around everything else.

I think that’s what makes this transition so strange. I’m not giving anything up, but I am learning that I can’t do everything at the same time. And if I’m being honest, there’s a lot of guilt that comes with that. I also have a foal due in December. Something I’ve dreamed about for years is finally happening, and somehow, it’s happening during one of the busiest seasons of my life.

Half the reason i’m beelining for any sort of career is because I soon will have another horse to support. But at the same time, i’m busy doing that and my horses aren’t getting any younger. My foal will be in formative eras of its life while i’ll be busy.

That’s probably the hardest part for me. It’s not necessarily the horse shows I’m missing, or the ribbons I could have won. It’s the time. The ordinary afternoons at the barn, the moments when nothing particularly exciting happens, and the little things you don’t realize you’ll miss until you don’t have as much time for them anymore. The things I would normally be in the loop about. 

I know I’m incredibly fortunate to even be in a position where I have these things to worry about. I have wonderful horses, an amazing support system, and the opportunity to pursue a career I’m passionate about. None of that is lost on me. But I also think you can be grateful for everything you have and still struggle with the changes that come with growing up.

For so long, I’ve been the horse girl. It’s how people know me, how I’ve made so many of my friends, and how I’ve always known myself. And while I don’t think that will ever change, it’s strange to realize that horses don’t have to be the only thing that defines me.

I’m still that person. I still love riding just as much as I did when I was little. I still have goals in the show ring, a future foal I want to bring along myself, and so many things I want to accomplish. I’m not saying goodbye to the sport. I’m just realizing that I might not be at every horse show anymore, and that my weekends might look a little different than they used to. And somehow, accepting that has been harder than I expected.

There’s a certain kind of guilt that comes with finding something else you love. Almost like you’re betraying the thing that has been there for you your entire life. I know that sounds silly, because my horses certainly don’t care what career I choose or how many classes I’m taking. But when something has been such a huge part of your identity for so long, shifting even a little bit of your attention elsewhere can feel like you’re losing something.

I’m learning that having more than one passion means sometimes having to choose where my time goes. And just because I’m happy with the choice doesn’t mean I won’t wish I could be doing both.

I can love my job and wish I were at a horse show.

I can look forward to my future in Child Life while wishing I could spend every afternoon at the barn.

And I can be incredibly proud of the life I’m building while still missing the way things used to be.

Maybe that’s just part of growing up.

For a long time, I thought growing up with horses meant finding a way to keep them at the center of everything forever. Now I’m beginning to realize that maybe it means learning how to carry that love with me while making room for other things, too.

I don’t want horses to become something I used to do, and I don’t think they ever will. I’ll still ride. I’ll still show. I’ll still spend far too much time at the barn, and I’ll probably always find a way to justify one more horse-related expense. There are still so many memories to make, especially with a new little one on the way.

But I also want to give this new dream the same dedication I’ve always given my riding. I want to work hard, learn as much as I can, and become someone who makes a difference in the lives of children. I guess I’m just learning that I can want both. Maybe I won’t be at every show. Maybe I’ll have to watch a few rounds from my phone during a lunch break. Maybe some weekends will be spent studying instead of sitting ringside. But that doesn’t make me any less of a horse girl.

And finding something else that makes me happy doesn’t mean I love horses any less. It just means that, for the first time, I’m discovering what life can look like beyond the bridle path.

P.S.- I also wrote a children’s book….. stay tuned for more info!

I love you all!

Ella