Today, I took my college senior photos. My sweet mare Fadalka always makes taking photos so easy. I really am convinced she loves it. She is the best model and the most patient horse I’ve ever had, while also knowing she gets her way when she says she’s all done.

I had a strange sense of Déjà vu today. It feels like yesterday I was taking my high school senior photos 4 years ago today, and unknowingly at the time, just a few weeks before I got Fadalka.

During this time four years ago, I had just faced rejection from my dream college. The only place I ever thought I’d go to school, where my parents met, and my brother went currently. I had good grades, phenomenal test scores, and a lot of extra accomplishments to prepare for applying to college.

I didn’t get in.

I got the news at the barn, with my best friend, and I screamed and cried in her arms. It was horrible. the same place I cried exactly 2 years before, but those were happy tears because it was when my brother was accepted. I was so proud. I found out my rejection about 10 feet from the same spot.

It didn’t make any sense to me and sometimes it still doesn’t. Many of my friends got in, I didn’t know why I didn’t. I wouldn’t go to school for days. I let myself down, and at the time it felt like I let my entire family down. I was honestly most of all embarrassed. And very very lost. Suddenly I had no clue where I’d go to college, and hadn’t even applied to any other schools that I seriously considered.

The plan was to end my riding career with Tubby, move to school, and just ride for fun and maybe later in life. When I didn’t get into my dream school, I fell back hard on horses. Then I got Fadalka. I didn’t see it until after but it was certainly all part of a bigger plan. I’m not very religious either, but there were greater forces at work here. I later applied to UT , got in, made a choice to go there because I didn’t know what else to do and just thought I’d stay home and live with my parents so I could keep riding. What a blessing.

Today I took my college graduation photos. In just 4 weeks, I graduate with a bachelors degree in Applied Sociology from the university of Tampa. The Déjà vu came on the way home, realizing that just like the night of my high school graduation photos, I was terrified. Had no idea what was next or if I’d ever be content with it. Today I had that same feeling. In my mind, I’ve had four years to figure this same question out and I’ve made no progress. But as I reflect, I realize I’ve learned a lot along the way. I’ve transformed as a person, made an even bigger difference in my friends, families’, and strangers’ lives, and I’m happy. So maybe I don’t know where I’ll work June 1st. I don’t know where I’ll be in 5 years, or even 1. But, I do know that I spent the past four years improving myself and working through depression and many other typical life events, and I can truly say that I am now happy.

So as I write this, I realize that although I don’t have a plan, I’m happy. And everything else will follow.